Dear Diana…

I encourage you to not keep your pain to yourself. I have written the following question-and-answer examples to illustrate concerns you might have.

If you are experiencing any of the situations below, or are in the midst of your own growing pain; please seek professional support in your community.

You may reference the list I have created on my Resources page via the button below.

Dear Diana,

I don’t know; do I need to see a psychotherapist and spend thousands of dollars to tell a stranger my secrets?

—Doubtful

Dear Doubtful,

Although I found a deep healing in my life working with a therapist, it’s not for everyone. There are many activities you might check out which I write about in Compost.

Some of us have endured so much pain, we haven’t realized that our life doesn’t need to constantly be painful. Where is your bottom line? How much pain of the past do you need to re-experience before you say, “I give up,” and seek help?

Give yourself a chance, a choice. You can give up the past pain and free yourself to live a different life today. Please let me know how you are doing.

Dear Diana,

You just said it. After reading a preview of your book online, I identified with your experience to some extent. I have successfully made my way in my career, and I’m not sure I want to go back to the past with all its painful memories. What would my benefit be if I purchased your book?

—Unsure

Dear Unsure,

First, congratulations on your successful career!

If you are satisfied with your career, and your life, Compost may not be for you. But if you experience an element of dissatisfaction when you go to sleep, or unease when you wake up to face the day, you might consider opening yourself up to possibilities that your life could be improved.

For myself, although I had successful careers, my relationships kept tripping me up, and I realized that I was reliving and attempting to re-make my past in the present. If you can identify an area of your life that you might like to heal, or improve, give Compost a shot. You might end up creating a flourishing life.

Dear Diana,

Since you’ve been through events similar to mine, can I meet with you for help?

—Lost

Dear Lost,

My mission is to be an initial step to wake up adults who have been abused as children so that they, and you, can take the compost that was dished out to you and, with the assistance of qualified professionals in your area, get help in your healing journey.

Google “mental health” and your county to get started.

Dear Diana,

Is your book only for women? I was badly abused by my father and it took a long time before I realized that I was a good child and a normal teen, and did not deserve to be “punished” by him. Please don’t ignore the 15% of us men who were molested in childhood.

—Jerrold

Dear Jerrold,

Thank you so much for writing. I know quite well that boys can be abused. When my paternal grandmother died, my father, at age 5, was placed in an orphanage. Throughout his adult life he often said he hated priests. I have no physical proof of his abuse except that comment, and wondered if the orphanage was where he learned the power of abuse, and as an adult abused me.

Congratulations on realizing the truth that you are good. Perhaps you may learn how you can keep on growing and turn those abusive memories into fertilizer for a flourishing life. Compost Happens is the story of my life’s journey of healing and flourishing. Be well, be happy, and tenderly love and appreciate the good man that you are.

Dear Diana Archives

After reading your impressive book, I feel overwhelmed, stuck.
I can’t take all the risks you did and I don't have the education you have. How can Compost Happens help me?

—Stuck

Dear Stuck,

No one can eat the entire banquet at one sitting. Make notes, journal how you feel while you’re reading. Find a quiet place, take a deep breath, and ask your Inner Guide what you need to do now, today, and only do that, if it is doable.

Then reward yourself for your honesty with a walk, a dance, or chat with a friend. Promise yourself to schedule time—daily, weekly or what works for you—to ask your Inner Guide what you need to do now. Just don't stop!

I'm scared.
Compost Happens inspired me to create a flourishing life. But if I open up to the memories I have pushed down for years, I might never be able to function again. When an abusive memory comes up, something I have been denying forever, I’m afraid I’ll start crying, raging, blaming, and lose my family by telling the secret. How can I heal with all this fear?

—Scared to Death

Dear Scared,

You don’t have to do the healing work all on your own. I didn’t. I kept jumping around, distracting myself with other activities, before I finally realized I needed help. I took baby steps to deal with unpleasant memories until I was able to open up to a therapist. You might begin by contacting your county mental health organization. Check out a 12-step program in your area such as Adult Children of Alcoholics, even if your parents did not drink alcohol.

So much of child abuse happens when parents have been abused as children and don't know how to be healthy parents. Remember, you are not alone—you are not the only one who has been abused.

Compost Happens was inspiring but I’ve been trudging along, making do for so long, that I feel that, at 65, I'm just too old to change my ways. Do I really want to?

—Old and Tired

Dear Old and Tired,

You asked the question: “Do I really want to?” It’s up to you to answer it. You could ask yourself whether you are satisfied with your life as it is. Perhaps you could make a small change, see what happens, and then possibly take another step.

First, step out of your comfort zone and see what is around you. Does your senior center have dance lessons? If you like to read, the library could have volunteer options.

There is a whole world out there that might change the way you feel. But you need to make the first move. I finally realized my unhealthy pattern at the age of 45. Twenty-five years later, I continue to improve. Be honest with yourself, stretch out a bit into your community. See what shows up.

How were you able to change your career every ten years? Do you have a sizable savings? I have three children, Mary the 14-year-old going through puberty, Suzie, the middle child who constantly feels overlooked, and Randy the 2-year-old who needs so much of my time. Not to mention my husband who wants my attention as well. Do I just suck up my memories, put them all away until my kids are grown? What happens to me in the meantime?

—Helpless in Savannah

Dear Savannah,

I’m not going to say “helpless” because you are raising three children and nurturing the relationship with your husband. Parenting is the most difficult job in the world —with the least amount of training. Give yourself some compassion. Find some time to take care of you.

Do you have a mothers’ group in your area where you can exchange caretaking and give each other time out? Is your husband willing to take full responsibility for your children a few hours a week? Ask for help, you deserve it.

P.S. I had no inheritance or other source of funds to live off of.
While I worked for an income, I squeezed out time evenings, weekends, and whatever time I could find to take care of me

I can’t seem to keep a long-term relationship. Right now, I’m with Sarah. We've been together for over two years but I feel her drifting away. The harder I try to keep her, the more she reaches out to other women in our community. I read in Compost Happens that you first were with men, but then tried women, which didn’t work either, except for your current partner who you’ve been with for 30 years. How were you able to hang on?

—Jodie in San Francisco

Dear Jodie,

Similar to your experiences, I also tried to hang on and then experienced my partner moving away. I finally learned that I was attempting to create the unconditional love provided by a healthy mother. But my partner was not my mother. If I wanted a healthy relationship, I needed to be healthy myself in order to attract a healthy girlfriend.

Gail and I started to read the book How to Be an Adult in Relationships, working on a chapter or even a paragraph at a time. When the rainy weather of Portland pushed me back to sunny California where I grew up, Gail stayed, and we continued working with the book.

Each morning we would speak on the phone, enjoy our coffee, and discuss the next portion of the book. Not only did we work out our difficulties but I also learned I could be a whole, complete self without living with anyone. I grew up. Check out Chapter 17, “Pay It Back,” to see where that work led me.

You can do it, because you want to!